March 20, 2015

It's been a crazy and beautiful journey.

So, adoption was always occasionally crossing our minds while we lived in China. Our church sponsored a couple of medical orphanages in Beijing and I had many friends who volunteered there. I would have loved to volunteer as well, but I knew it would affect me too deeply. I was enjoying working again and Truman was little...while I'd like to say that wasn't the right time, the truth is I was selfish and not asking God to lead me anywhere.

Last fall, the kids started bringing it up on occasion. They really wanted a sister. “Mom wouldn't it be great to have a sister”, etc. Kids will always ask for a younger sibling, so again I brushed it off. Then in November, I was putting Henry to bed and he said "Mom why don't we adopt a girl from China? There are so many kids who don't have a family, or a home, or food and just need love. We have all of those things". With tears in my eyes, I told him that I was open to it, but we'd need to talk to Dad. He did and Mitchell said no. He said he didn't think he had time or energy for another child and he felt that he barely had enough for the three kids he already had. I told Henry that if he truly wanted a sister from China that he'd need to pray about it and ask God to soften Mitchell's heart. Henry continued to pray about it on a regular basis. I said only a couple of prayers that if that was God plan for us, to soften Mitchell's heart and then I let it go.

In December, a friend challenged our bible study group to start praying on a word to guide us for the upcoming year. A word that most likely we needed to work on. TRUST was the word that kept coming back to me. After we had our word, Kristen challenged us to pray about a verse that would support our word. It was clear that my verse was Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Ok I thought, that makes complete sense...this year is going to be a "big" year with a lot of important decisions and changes. Our current contract with Ericsson is through July 2016, so we need to decide should we leave? Stay in Spain longer? Take another international assignment? Move to Iowa? Leave Ericsson? Go with a new company? Build a house? Rent a house? Live with my parents? Etc etc etc.

In January, we started reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It is a fantastic book and literally has rocked my world. I went from being a true and consistent Lukewarm Christian to having a burning desire to read the Bible daily and be immersed and surrounded by Christian influences (music, friends, blogs, etc). My relationship with Jesus is growing and blossoming like I've never experienced before. Through the book, my prayer life has changed drastically. To be completely honest, I've always selfishly prayed. I've always basically prayed “God this is my plan, this is what's going on, please help me” (but usually with more flowery terms). Crazy Love challenged us to pray in complete surrender asking for God to take control and do whatever is necessary so we could do His will in this life. TRUST. I was scared and it took a few times before those words could leave my lips. What if He asked me to move again? What if His plan is not my plan? What if it's hard? What if I have to leave my comfort zone? Etc. The devil was definitely at work trying to prevent my surrender. Late in January, I spoke those words for the first time. “Heavenly Father, I surrender my ways and my plan. I want you to guide my life. Please do whatever you need to do to make me your servant. I want you in my everything...every thought, every decision, every interaction and word that comes from me”. It was scary, but oh so comforting. I have continued to pray that prayer of surrender on a regular basis.

In February, I prayed with two friends on a sidewalk in the middle of town (first time I had ever done that). We joined hands, bowed our heads and prayed for 10 minutes. At first I was uncomfortable and kept thinking it was inappropriate. Of course I was then arguing with myself how silly those thoughts were. This was the first time I was given a chance to not be ashamed of what I believed. We've lived all over the world, but really to be Christian was never out of the ordinary or weird. By the end of our time praying on the sidewalk I didn't care about it being in the wrong place, I was just loving Jesus. Driving home that night I continued praying (the car is my new favorite prayer place) :) and felt a complete sense of calm and reassurance that we are in Spain for exactly this. To grown in my relationship with Jesus, to surround myself with Jesus loving friends and to confidently deepen my faith. I was beyond ecstatic to say the least. I was completely humbled by the love of Jesus. Again that night, I prayed in surrender and TRUST. This time, however, I felt God telling me that my word for the year (TRUST) had nothing to do with my plan. It had nothing to do with what I thought I needed to be spending the year planning and preparing for. I needed to surrender and TRUST for God's plan. I was to use my gift (as a mother) to love another sweet child, but this time an orphan from China. Through my tears, I was in awe, humbled and scared to death. Who am I that God would ask me to do anything?!

The devil was again at work and trying to convince me it was my own imagination and not God's will. So, I changed my prayers and specifically asked God to make it so real I knew it wasn't my imagination, to slap me in the face with the obviousness of it. As the days passed, there were signs everywhere. At the same time, I talked about it with Mitchell. Expecting his response to be exactly the same as in November, I almost fell on the floor when he said "Ok. Why don't you contact a couple agencies and see what they say". What?!

The end of February, I contacted two agencies who handled Expat Adoptions. One big, formal and impersonal and the other small, personal and Christian. The smaller agency put me in touch with April, who turns out had lived in China as well and had adopted twice while there. What a blessing to have someone to talk to who had lived a little bit like I had.

Mitchell still wasn't convinced it was God's plan for us, but wasn't against it like he used to be. I started praying that this decision would come from Mitchell and not from me. I wanted him to lead our family and see God's call as clearly as I did. Then at his men's group the next week, he shared the story and asked the guys to pray for us (I hadn't told anyone about any of this yet). I was blown away when he told me this. Then he told me that maybe I should do the same and tell my bible study group. A few days passed and I asked my friend, Lori, to go to coffee with me. I wanted to know how I could be sure the Holy Spirit was leading me and not just making it up in my head. I could barely get the words out as I spoke. I cried through the entire hour we sat in the coffee shop. She was convinced through my testimony and emotion that the Holy Spirit was working in me and telling me what to do. I continued to pray for obvious signs so I could know without a doubt. TRUST. And they continued to show up. At the next bible study the second question we discussed was "what is God calling you to do right now in your life". I couldn't hold it back anymore. I could barely get the words out as I sobbed through the last 5 months of my life. As I told it, realizing even more so that God's plan was already in place in my life.

I was scared, but humbled and in awe of God. But, Mitchell still hadn't said yes. He hadn't seen any "signs" like I had. I did not want to convince him of God's plan; I wanted God to work through him. We continued to pray about it together and we started praying for that sweet girl in China. At Mitchell's next bible study they discussed risk. He spent most of the time talking and then they prayed together.

In true Mitchell style, Tuesday morning amid the crazy chaos of the morning routine he said "we talked about it again at bible study yesterday and then prayed. I was really at peace with it and a calm rushed over me about it. If you want to submit our application go ahead. If it is God's plan the pieces will start falling into place". Then the kids ran in and the crazy continued and he went to work. That was our only conversation. I didn't even have time to reply! All day Tuesday he kept sending me texts (I was at bible study) and he was almost giddy. First of all, he rarely texts me during the day and he is never giddy. It was like he was still on cloud 9 and in a sense of peace. He had a great day at work (again not a regular occurrence) and was still smiling when he got home that night. We finalized our application and through prayer I submitted it. Then we left for Ireland. It was suppose to take a week to get approval and we received it less than 24 hours later.

I know there will be hiccups and delays in our process, but I also know God's got this and he's already preparing what is to come. TRUST. I'd like to say I am only full of excitement for the journey and know that God will bless our family immensely. But, the devil again is trying to send me on a detour, trying to rob God's glory, trying to engulf me in doubt and fear. I had a brief panic attack and couldn't breathe after I submitted the application. Even though I prayed before and after, I still Panicked. I just need to keep praying and let God bless the journey. TRUST...especially when it's hard.

I am still a little in shock about this. Definitely excited, humbled and in awe of God. I'm praying through the fear and anxiety and trying not to let the devil take hold. I'm definitely ready to see God's plan continue to unfold and lead us to a sweet girl who needs me as a mama.